Manipulation.

I've been having quite a few intellectually stimulating conversations lately. It's really fun, but today it got to the point where I was almost on the verge of breaking down. It's crazy how I screw myself up. Fucking crazy.

I was thinking about manipulation. Let's say I was being manipulated by someone who has refined manipulation to a tee. Even if he told me upfront that he was manipulating me, I wouldn't even be bothered by it, because he's so good that I willingly submit myself to his manipulations. And that really bothers me. What if I were being manipulated, and I didn't even know it? I hate losing control. Especially if the manipulator gives me a false sense of power when actually HE is the one in charge. What if the manipulator confides in me and spilling all what I presume his deepest darkest secrets just so he can elicit the same confidence from me? He is pretending to be vulnerable because he wants me to let down MY guard, because he thinks that I think that he has let down his.

Same with stuff like compliments. The complimenter knows that it will elicit a feel-good reaction from the complimentee, so he uses it so subtly that the complimentee doesn't feel like he's being boot-licked, and then the complimenter can then proceed to do whatever he wants with that increased state of intimacy.

I questioned, what exactly is manipulation? Is it any different from influence? In my opinion, manipulation is characterised by intent. So does that mean that subconscious manipulation is a paradox, since intent is conscious? I asked Mr Dio about it, and he said:

"Oh no. I may subconsciously have the INTENT to manipulate, so I am still manipulating even though I don't know it, or don't consciously intend it. I could be in denial about my true intentions. Only others can tell."

And that got me quite confused. Only the knower knows his intent. And if you don't know that you intend to do something, do you really intend to do it? Which has left me even more confused over the concept of manipulation.

I'm finding it very distressing. Right now I could be a marionette under someone else's control and not even know it... Shit I'm damn psychotic. I'm troubling myself over something that doesn't have any tangible negative consequences. As yet.

Along with the fact that:

1. Complex numbers are much too complex for me
2. Vectors leave me clueless
3. Econs is so fucking repetitive and pointless
4. I am nowhere nearer to finalising my IS thesis than I was a week ago
5. People cannot be trusted (At least the smart ones can't be)

Bah! Brain overload.