You don't know my name.

The H1N1 flu first seemed like a distant, other-worldly disease that wouldn't affect my personal life. But now it's hitting closer to home, as friends of friends get infected with the disease and friends get quarantined at home. I feel almost engulfed by this flu virus, the flu virus with a name.

I was struck with nostalgia out of nowhere, thinking of all the people that have walked in and out of my life and hoping that they are happy (happier?) in their present lives without me. I'm definitely not the first person who has waxed philosophical about how fragile relationships are, but it is something that I felt strongly about and will always feel strongly about. When you're no longer in the same school or workplace, you realise how little in common you actually have with your former friends and start to wonder if the relationship had actually meant anything at all. Was it merely a friendship of convenience, a friendship to be discarded once it ceased to be convenient? I guess the effort needed to preserve the relationship exceeds the value of the relationship. Which is quite sad; that as if what transpired never meant anything at all.

Shaz is right, that "relationships are like claps, because you need both parties to commit and make what matters most between both parties work." There's only so much I can do to make things work. And if my eager hand is raised only to meet the still air of space... (If I'm Zen, I'd subscribe to the philosophy that a lone hand could clap.) There is nothing I can do except to be stoic and soldier on.

I can only wish that you are happy.

*******

"you know it's like picking the words out of my head
only the two of you have ever been able to do it"

I wish I could say this about someone else too. There's always something missing in my relationships with others. I might find someone physically attractive (and he finds me physically attractive too), but there just isn't chemistry, emotional or sexual. I might think I have emotional and sexual chemistry with someone and find him a great pleasure to look at, but logically I know we are intellectually and socially incompatible and wait - can you actually have sexual chemistry with someone who is a bad kisser? Then there might be someone who is a fantastic kisser, and someone I am socially compatible with and can have intellectual banter with, and someone who actually seems to care for inferior ol' me, but I just don't have that sort of 'feeling' for him. Sad, isn't it.

And none of these people are able to pick the words out of my head. What is it that's missing, anyway? Maybe I'm being too picky, eh.

Everyday, I hope to be a better person. And everyone helps me to be one. Even the liars, hypocrites, and bastards. Especially the liars, hypocrites and bastards.