"Please refract."

All of a sudden I feel morally reprehensible, not because I am necessarily doing something immoral; after all, I am single and I am not accountable to anyone, but because by virtue of being an accomplice I feel like I am sanctioning what I used to find morally reprehensible. You get me?

It's been a long time since I've received so much attention. No, I don't think I've ever received this much attention. I was accosted by this other colleague recently, who tried asking me out. He was very sincere, I thought... and all things considered I think it must have took him quite a bit of courage to do it. It is definitely flattering, but only up to a point. Think about it: I work as a retail associate. I hang out with other retail associates. What kind of people are full-time, long-term, retail associates? This might sound elitist but it is undeniable that we come from entirely different social spheres.

Why is it that I am only blossoming now, so to speak? I was practically a celibate nun in the second year of junior college. If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you might have noticed that I hardly mentioned affairs of the heart in 2008 - not because I was trying to be enigmatic or secretive, but simply because I had nothing to say. I did have a minor "flirtation" earlier in the year (if you knew about it, you know about it - it was frankly quite obvious) but it was nothing more than a childish schoolgirl/schoolboy interaction. Other than that my life revolved around... what did it revolve around in 2008? I went home straight after school, I did my homework, I used the computer, napped, baked, and occasionally meandered around town alone. Now I'm staying out late late late and I actually got reprimanded by my dad, because apparently my behaviour is very unbecoming of a potential degree holder. I convince myself that this is to make up for all the times I should've been out doing nonsense when I was 18, but didn't because I was a no-life loser. I don't think it makes a difference, because I used to stay up late all the time, just that I used to do it at home. Now I'm like Miss Popularity or something. People actually ask me out for gatherings. Me. Me, who still hasn't gotten used to being left out of gatherings. ME. And I'm not even restricting my interactions to the cool girl clique I'm a part of: I am socialising with everybody. And what I find startling is how easy it was for me, simple old me, to arrow someone and all of a sudden everyone else seems to hate her too. Like I am the queen bee, and all I had to do was put someone down and everyone follows suit. I think I would never have dared to openly put someone down, because I would have feared offending somebody who likes that person.

Why was I such a nobody in school? Why did I resolutely mould myself as an outcast? Was it because I exerted so much effort in putting on a don't-talk-to-me front? Or was it because in JC, I am a small fish in a big pond and I am merely small fry, not worth trifling with? Or are the people at work simply more open-minded? It's all relative, isn't it? Or maybe what with me being such a pampered spoilt brat, I am a novelty, a plaything that they are fascinated by. In JC I was just another unaccomplished, ordinary face in the crowd.

It is very curious. That I can be attractive without doing anything. Sometimes I wonder, if I weren't born with my looks, would people pay any attention to me at all? If I weren't attractive, I'd just be a plain girl with a propensity for overseriousness and offensive questions, a plain girl who doesn't know how to have fun, a plain girl who behaves cockily because she speaks funny, a plain girl who has a good life but doesn't know it. If I were plain, would he have granted me the pleasure of a kiss? If I were plain, would he have gone to great lengths to make my life comfortable? But because I don't look plain, I am possibly interesting, intriguing, and refreshing. I hate the thought of having to owe my appeal to my looks, because I cannot take ownership of my looks, since it is inherited. I suppose I do attempt to maintain myself, and the effort is something I can call my own, but still, it's only that. I want to be attractive by my own cultivated effort, and not by some genetic fluke.

When I was in primary school, I thought Primary Six girls who dated Secondary 1 or 2 boys were cool. When I was in Secondary 1 and 2, I realised that secondary school boys who date primary school kids are just sick. When I was in secondary school, I thought secondary school girls who dated JC/poly/the enigmatic "20-plus" guys were cool. When I was in JC, I kinda decided that JC boys who date secondary school girls are probably too pathetic for their own peers. When I was 17, I thought it was super cool to be driven around by a 18 year old. I remember that culmination of excitement and fear when I was driven around by someone who got his license a couple months ago. Now that I am turning 19, all my peers drive, and I am frequently being driven around. Not in their own cars, of course: their dad's cars. Haha. It's like a regular thing now; everyone fucking drives. When I was 18, I thought 20-plus guys who date people my age just want to have their egos masturbated, and they all just want to reenact some kinky schoolgirl fantasty. Now, I realise that guys in their early twenties are not that different mentally from girls in their late teens. Man-boys take a while to sober up, don't they?

I'm thinking that what's happening is a rite of passage. Imma have my fun... hopefully I don't become some hedonistic, immoral monster well into my twenties. That would be horrendous.

I overheard someone say this: "If I were a virgin and she were the last woman in the world, I die also don't want to fuck her." I hope I never get described like that. As a fellow female, it is really demeaning to hear someone else being talked about like that, but my sympathy doesn't extend past my own selfish fear of being talked about in that manner.