Tonight is the night.

It was a night of several firsts: going out in a large, co-ed group (the last time I did this was like what, Secondary 1?), going to a club (eventually it wasn't the empty promises that got me to one but an utterly impromptu decision), getting high, and doing other crazy shit I wouldn't normally do (let's keep it vague). I also discovered that people are not always like what they look like, but then it gets me wondering how people from different walks of life would have an opportunity to get past their own assumptions to actually want to know more about certain people. Strangely enough I didn't feel conked out when I reached home at 4, in fact I don't think I actually fell asleep until 7ish. I kept dreaming/thinking that I was sleeping on a stack of grey t-shirts that I folded.

The people I were out with were wide-eyed when they heard it was my first time, and were insistent that it wasn't a genuine clubbing experience and we will get me deflowered for real soon. Suddenly an apt scenario comes to mind: in Mean Girls, the Queen Bee said, "But I was half a virgin when I met him!"

I still don't know what people mean when they say they get so high and wasted that they don't know what they are doing. Maybe I just didn't drink enough, but I still had a sense of control over my behaviour. I think it's just the overload of sensory stimulation that sort of mutes your main processing centre; liquor, loud music, having to shout over the music or get really close to someone in order to communicate, flashing neon lights, and adrenaline if you've been dancing. The deindividuation helps as well: the darkness, the fake smoke that replicates the cigarette smoke of yore, the unspoken rule that whatever happens inside should remain inside. I stopped being self-conscious, stopped thinking shit like "what are they going to think of me", because everyone is doing stupid shit too and if I stop judging people, I will think that they are not judging me too.

I think I am analysing this shit too much. Also, it is a point to note that my most outrageous proposition of the day was made when I was out of the place, surrounded by bright lights, sanity and civilisation.

I actually had a pretty good day yesterday: dinner with Jason and Jacinda (I always feel like a third wheel when I'm with them... but what to do?); a feedback from the higher-ups that I am now different, in that I am now more willing to associate with those out of my league than I originally did. And she also said that I am too smart for this job. Hahaha you are bloody damn right! (But I still suck at it. Oh dear.) 'Tis true that through this job, I've gotten to know a lot of people I normally wouldn't have a chance to interact with, and in that sense the job was personally rewarding. But that's about it, I don't think the job in intrinsically fulfilling, unless you're a service-oriented person. The group also spent time around the Singapore river - a stretch of water that holds a lot of memories for me. I always feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness when I'm in a group. Hmm.

Sidetracking, I saw Utt again! Is that fortuitous or what? Utt, twice, in two weeks! He was at Cathay, with a skateboard in hand. He dresses like an American high-schooler - I don't think the local skateboarders wear quarter-length socks.

Ever since that bitch did it to me, I now don't dare to ask my other friends if they too have (or haven't) been asked out to a group outing, because I know how sucky it feels to be left out of the loop. Do you think it is morally appropriate for me to feign ignorance? Sigh. But I don't want to risk hurting their feelings, you know.