Explaining the recent inactivity.

You may or may not have noticed that my blog had been privatised for a short period of time. This is not because I only wanted a select few to have access to my blog; it was a blanket ban on all readers. So please don't get offended if you thought you were the only one not being let into all the fun.

This entire idea of others taking offence with every decision I make on my blog, even the decision to stop blogging, resonates so strongly that it has become quite off-putting for me to write on my blog. I might simply be too insecure, and in reality people might not really care for what I say, but then experience has declared certain individuals exceptionally sensitive to whatever that is being done here. Clearly, I was too self-assured of my inherent likeability that I made no attempt to mask my cynical and embittered persona on the blog. I used to convince myself that people who know me well enough would not be offended, and people who do get offended are not worth my time anyway. In that sense, my blog acts as a sort of relationship filter that mines the jewels from the rocks.

However, some people that matter DO get offended. At first, I blamed it on their inherent insecurity, on their lack of trust and lack of self-assurance. While all that may be true, it doesn't mean that I didn't have a part to play in ruining their impression of me. I could certainly pin this change in worldview to a single, particular incident, but there is little point in doing so. What's done is done, and the only way is forward.

It helped that I blogged less in preparation for the A's, because blogging was less of a compulsion as it was two years ago than simply a sporadic desire to spread certain messages. I used to have to weigh between spending time on the computer and spending time hitting the books, and naturally the latter greatly outweighed the former in terms of overall benefit. The practised reluctance to blog has now carried over despite the cessation of school.

There came a time when blogging became more and more off-putting because of this constant deliberation. I start off by publishing my posts, then deleting them a few days after. Next, I'd publish, and delete them immediately. After that, it took fewer steps to reduce my blogging to nothing at all. Blog posts ended up as unseen drafts in my dashboard, or as half-hearted sentences, and gradually I simply typed a few alphabets and closed the window entirely.

A while ago, I contemplated not blogging and not going on MSN; i.e. completely disappearing from the face of the Internet. I simply wanted to see what sort of response I'd evoke. I wanted to fake an Internet death, which to most people is as good as dying in real life anyway. Would people care enough to cross the virtual barrier to speak to me in a more intimate context? I also thought that the self-imposed seclusion would further eliminate weak relationships and strengthen existing ones. But that was simply a phase during the 'A' Level period and being as volatile as I was, I never carried that plan through properly.

Although I blog less now, I don't do it out of a desire for attention. In fact, the reason why I've been blogging less is because the kind of attention that I used to crave as a younger teenager doesn't appeal to me as strongly as before. I guess I just don't feel the need to tell everyone what mental agonies I put myself through or what cynical observations I have of the human condition. The lack of a need to speak arose initially out of a fear of social repercussion, and gradually evolved to a waning desire for attention. It is most certainly a combination of push and pull factors. I don't want to be judged, and I need to be less judgmental too. Because I don't want to be judged for who I was, I have deleted several past entries. I know it wouldn't make a difference to people who have already read them, but it bothers me knowing that new acquaintances might judge me because of them and I'd really prefer if they knew nothing about me.

I was reminded of Anne of Green Gables, who cut the flamboyance from her speech and held her tongue, simply because she wanted to keep her pretty little thoughts sacred and private. I guess that's somewhat how it is with me. From wanting to be selfish, guarded and keep my cards close to my chest (I'm not telling you ANYTHING, hmph!) to simply having no need to tell. And a growing consciousness of smallness, and... and so many things.

I can't tell you how much inertia I had to battle to get this blog post up. It's such a turn of events really. I also cannot assure you of this blog's continuing existence. I may decide to stop blogging completely, because I don't want to jeopardise anymore relationships.

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In other unexciting news, I had a very humble customer asking me what "connoisseur" meant and how to pronounce it. My store labels its priciest flavours as "connoisseur", which is quite a tongue twister for many Singaporeans. I found his question child-like and refreshing, because how often is it that you get a man declaring his ignorance?

By the way: an order from Her Velvet Vase did not come through. Can't blame her, can I, because I didn't ask for registered mail? She claimed that the festive season delays things. Makes me wonder how come my item from Scarletroom came to me safely despite the Christmas season.