It's funny, because looking at them now doesn't tempt me at all. I have no appetite and I feel depressed. Go figure. I should get depressed more often, and waste away till I'm mere skin and bones. "There is no such thing as inner beauty".
I also bought Sophie's World. I've been meaning to borrow it, but it's an impossible mission trying to locate it in libraries, so I just went ahead and bought it. It's proving to be a decent read so far. But I guess I'd be more enthralled if I hadn't read Philosophy For Dummies before.
I also bought two sets of underwear! They're both the exact same design: clip-front with lace trim. Just that one is hot pink with black lace, and the other is deep purple with lilac lace. I was feeling excessive. They're not exactly functional either, seeing how the colours are so bright and it has a T-back. Now that I'm back home with my purchases, I feel a little bewildered by thinking at what had overcome me. Depression makes one do funny things, I suppose.
I was looking at my blog posts from January and I felt like scoffing at my senselessness. Things have changed radically since then, and I'm not the besotted school-going girl I pretended to be who LOVES everything she can lay her eyes on. I tried being a hyperactive girl who is always in a good mood, but it was a downright failure and I feel so much more at ease reverting to my original self. Not like circumstances didn't help to boot me into where I belong, huh. I didn't want shit to happen. Can't fault me for trying.
I also realised my English sounds better than it looks, at least when I'm typing it out. I was reading my blog from someone else's computer, and my, does my content look so much more impressive. Maybe it's just psychological.
I've never owned a sports bra. I hate those contraptions designed to compress, not contain one's breasts. I think prepubescent girls should be banned from buying such bras, because it hinders normal development. We don't want a generation of flat-chested chicks infiltrating the world, do we?
Singapore Youth For Christ, which was the organiser for the soccer games on Monday and Wednesday, gave out minature soccer balls to every participant. I gave the ball to my brother to play with. The next day, he asked me: "How come the ball is so holy ah?" There were many messages printed on the ball, like "Jesus Christ is your saviour", etc. Yea, holy indeed.
The way he asked the question was quite amusing, so I decided to carry on the conversation.
Me: Maybe they are trying to infiltrate your subconsciousness, cos when you play the ball you will look at the ball. Although you won't look at the messages, somehow you will still absorb it.
Him: Ya, like brainwashing like that!
Me: *appreciative smirk*
Him: I think Reuel has been brainwashed. (He's my Primary Four neighbour.)
Me: I don't think he has been brainwashed; I think he has been born with his brain. But why you say he brainwashed?
Him: He keep telling me all those kind of Christian-Christian things.
Me: Like?
Him: He will suddenly ask me, "Do you want to go to heaven or hell?"
Me: Then what you say?
Him: Heaven lah! Then he will say, "If you want to go to heaven you must be a Christian."
Me: *scoffs*
Him: Then he say that I must go to church to become good so Satan won't overtake me. He say that Noel has already been claimed by Satan, that's why he's so bad now. (Noel is my Primary Four neighbour too.) He like to tell me all those Bible story about Moses cross the Red Sea, what-Jesus die on the crucifix, dunno what lah! Sometimes he ask me to go to church with him. Then I tell him, "Don't want lah, so boring! What you all do at church?" Then Reuel will say, "We sing song, hear story and play soccer." *rolls eyes*
Me: Hahaha. Liddat might as well stay at home right?
Him: Ya lor. Then once when I was at his house, his mother ask me if I want to go church with them.
Me: How come you don't want to go?
Him: Aiya, different people have different beliefs right?
Me: So what do you believe in?
Him: I dunno! (in a sing-song kiddy voice)
Me: Then you just go church lah!
Him: I don't like lah. They like, so what liddat. Like always force people to become Christian, go church.
And there was me thinking he's still too young to form his own opinions about religion! We also talked about saying prayers in school. (Saying prayers is a completely different thing from praying, man.) I was in a Catholic convent, and he's in a Catholic school, so we both know how it's like saying prayers, and saying ten Hail Marys in the month of May.
We both hate repeating Hail Mary so many times because it's so mundane and time-wasting. When my brother was in Primary One, he'd close his eyes during chanting and envision himself being back home, hoping that God would fulfill his wish. However, he'd always end up disappointed because he'll still be trapped in school, droning "Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, Amen."
I suppose the ideal situation would be for the school to convert him, but somehow it doesn't work that way. I think it only reaffirms his secular beliefs. In any case, I think it's good exposure to be educated in a religious school. I used to like going to the school's chapel because it was such a quiet place, and had this air of forbiddenness about it. My friends and I would sneak in quietly like little mice, and stay a good distance away from the altar, just looking, intimidated by its aura.
I liked singing hymns in the shower. "God is the flag flown high in the castle of my heart, in the castle of my heart, in the castle of my heart! God is the flag flown high, in the castle of my heart, for the king is in residence here. So let it fly in the sky, let the whole world know, let the whole world know, let the whole world know!"
I think I used to pray once in a while before going to sleep in primary school, and when I did, I envisioned God to be a gray, foggy shape in the inky-blue star-studded skies. Almost ghost-like in his white robes and long unruly beard. Ah, those were the days. I wonder why I stopped praying. Maybe I realised it didn't do any good to pray for exams.
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