Bittersweet smugness

There's a kind of bittersweet smugness; the sort of feeling you get when your suspicions about your boyfriend's fidelity are affirmed. On one hand, you're smug because it's an "I told you so" moment - you were right all along, and you always knew that he was cheating. On the other hand, the delight derived from hitting on the truth is more or less blotted out by feelings of betrayal and hurt.

I think my outlook on life is more or less like that: I've always known that intentions are not what they appear to be, and so far I'm right. Or rather, there's no evidence to the contrary.

I used to think that the best way to get rid of any suspicions or disguised tension is to let it all out in the open and be completely honest. But lately I've learnt that more often than not, complete honesty only worsens things. (Disregarding the possibility that one can never expect complete honesty from somebody else) You know what's bugging me recently? I was asked why I was upset. After I replied with a fairly lengthy SMS, honestly yet tactfully, I did not get a reply. It's been a week since. What the fuck is the point of asking me what's wrong if nothing's going to be done about it?

Which thus has led me to the conclusion that honesty counts for shit. Maybe I was only asked why I was upset because the person in question thought it'd be therapeutic for me to rant. Maybe I was only asked why I was upset to allay the conscience of the person in question.

So far it seems like it is better to let things remain status quo and put up a false front, because it seems like trashing things out/having a confrontation/being open only intensifies the tension.

I am reminded of Great Expectations, where Pip denies Joe the truth about his intrusion in the pantry.

"The fear of losing Joe's confidence, and of thenceforth sitting in the chimney-corner at night staring drearily at my for ever lost companion and friend, tied up my tongue. ... That, if Joe knew it, I never afterwards could see him glance, however casually, at yesterday's meat or pudding when it came to to-day's table, without thinking that he was debating whether I had been in the pantry."

Honesty has a very high opportunity cost: is it worth it?

I was told that second-guessing people is not entirely a bad thing, but it would certainly be detrimental to the quality of relationships if suspicions are at the forefront of one's mind during intercourse. However, it would be unwise to completely negate all negative thoughts, because that would be setting one's self up for disappointment, i.e. to be naive. The correct course of action would be to recognise that inherent in others is the ability to disappoint, but at the same time, transcending these two layers of thought processes, namely:

1. People can disappoint
2. I am thinking that people can disappoint

and making a conscious decision to shelf aside Thought Process #1 and just have fun. It is handy to keep Thought Process #1 in the back of the mind, just in case one does get disappointed, and so the self of yesterday can tell the self of today, "See, I told you so", and the self of yesterday can feel smug, and the self of today can feel hurt, culminating in a bittersweet smugness that I was talking about earlier.

It is coincidental that I was writing about the precarious balance between complete self-awareness and the lack thereof just the day before.

"Self-awareness is both a boon and a bane to construction of knowledge on identity. Self-help books as an authority of knowledge on identity will only apply to those who are aware of their internal inconsistencies. Those who are not aware will have no impetus for change, and thus do not have a predilection for self-help as a valid source of knowledge. However, a heightened sense of self-awareness is detrimental to self-help too. It is predisposed human behaviour to retain a certain degree of scepticism regarding extrinsic authorities on the self-concept. Despite the openness to self-help books as a source of knowledge, further reflection will lead to doubt about its validity."

Okay, now that you know what my topic is on about, maybe you want to extend your kindly services? I am suffering from a mental block.

*******

I almost bought a tuxedo jacket thing from The Salvation Army. But I saw a whitish stain on the back, and I didn't want to find out if it was semen or not.