Why I Am So Shy (in the vein of Why I Am So Wise)

In a fit of semi-desperation, I asked Erica if she thought I was shy. I've been mulling over it for a while. It occurred to me that people may think I'm shy, when the impression I've been trying to give is distant and aloof. Well, her answer was, "Reserved and aloof at first, maybe, but definitely not shy."

I like to live, er, lexically, so the definition of shy is: "nervous and embarrassed about meeting and speaking to other people, especially people you do not know". Well. Not all the time, no. Nervous, at times. Fear of embarrassment (the fear of it is different from it), sometimes. Though this is more like a perpetual undercurrent governing all my interactions. To be considered as aloof and reserved I can abide, but not shy. Shy has this implicit meaning of insecurity, in my opinion. And of COURSE I wouldn't want to come off as insecure. Though I suppose, if you were to dig really deep, reserved people could be insecure too. (Everyone is fucking insecure if you dig really deep.)

However, "shy" and "reserved" seem to go hand in hand. Reserved: "unwilling to express your emotions or talk about your problems." This is actually debatable. I guess I am by nature sort of emotionally withdrawn, so I'm not a very emotive person. But just because I don't outwardly emote does not mean that I don't feel. I think this is a common misconception. People seem to disregard that I could have feelings just because I tend to have a clear head infrequently unwarped by impassioned feeling. Just because I am capable of rationalising everything I do does not mean that I don't have feelings. The post about why you shouldn't tell people you like them? People don't seem to realise that I had emotional investment in it: as much as it was an entertaining post, it was also somewhat an attempt to convince myself why I should never let emotions take the lead. I actually had that post in my archives for a month or so before I finally could bear to let it go. Thankfully it was well-received; otherwise my struggle would have been in vain.

Aloof: "unfriendly and deliberately not talking to other people". Yes, I guess this is true as well. The definition of friendly is "to behave in a helpful and kind way". To BEHAVE, mind you. Friendliness is, by definition, a mere pretence! Ugh. No wonder I've always had an aversion to it.

And you know what? There is a mighty good reason why I am shy/reserved/aloof/whatever term you want to use. The times I venture out of my comfort zone, the shit hits the fan, I get snubbed like nobody's business. This is why it's so crucial to rationalise everything I do beforehand. Actions borne out of irrational thought, heck, even rational thought, are prone to screwing up. I guess this annoying combination of hypersensitivity and need to rationalise things means I don't end up opening up very often. Oh, plus that inconvenient, occasional setback when I DO try, I guess.

It's sort of like a vicious cycle. The more I think, the more I avoid opening up. Wait, it's not even a vicious cycle. It's a one way road to seclusion and self-imposed exile. The more I think, the more I avoid opening up, the more socially awkward I get, the more I screw up, the more I start destroying any faint notion of my capability to develop connections with anyone, and then I just shrivel up into this pathetic insecure mess.
Fuck that shit. Once bitten, twice shy.
Maybe I shouldn't be thinking in the first place. First it was feeling that sucks. Now thinking sucks. Guess what. Life sucks. FOUL MOOD. Think I can clock 15 minutes for 5.5km this time?